Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
