im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
