You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
