How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
