She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
