I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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