the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
