I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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