There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
