Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
