The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
