Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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