so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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