All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
did you just send me my own nude
Randomize
