flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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