do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
