I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
