I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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