I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
