Just fell off a train. Bad.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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