The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
