well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
