Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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