I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize