apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
