I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize