you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
