I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
