Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
