Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
