so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
