it wasn't lemon gatorade
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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