What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
