Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
