Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
