Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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