I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
