well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
His nipple licking is glorious
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