i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
