My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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