The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
