we have officially lost it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
