So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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