Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
