my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
