so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
