dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
