i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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