"it" just moved
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize