My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
