i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
