i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
