So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
