no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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