We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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